Isaac

When Ellie walked into school alone, she felt all eyes turn to her. She instinctively reached for a hand that was no longer there and felt the emptiness fill her heart all over again. She dropped her gaze to her feet and wandered to her desk and plunked down, trying to forget. She didn't want to remember anymore. It couldn't be real. She clamped her eyes shut and grinded her fists against her eyes, trying to make the tears soak back into them. She would not cry anymore.

Her head hit the desk with a thunk and she couldn't help but think back. One week ago. Everything was perfectly fine one week ago. Everyone was fine a week ago.

She remembered Isaac, how his green eyes would light up when he wrote a good piece, when he saw her, when they talked about anything he loved. She remembered how his curly hair was getting long and unruly, and how that seemed to reflect his personality. She remembered how hurt he seemed to get. She remembered everything. She didn't want to remember anymore. She wanted to forget.

Isaac and Ellie sat in English, listening to the lecture on Hamlet drone on and on. Their teacher never stopped talking. Isaac, who was usually into the lectures and always fully listening and hanging on every word their teacher said, was sitting with his head down, not listening or talking to anyone else. Ellie looked over and tapped his shoulder. He looked at her with his head still resting on the desk and managed a weak smile. She looked at him suspiciously and he sat up.

For the rest of class he tried to look like he was into the class, tried to look like he loved what everyone was saying. Ellie knew something was up. She couldn't tell what, but he wasn't acting like himself.

The bell rang at the end of the day and Isaac grabbed Ellie's hood, dragging her away from the office and to her locker.

"Ellie, you can't change your schedule because you got one bad grade. It's halfway through the semester. You'll be fine." He said, giggling and smiling at her. Ellie stared at him, he seemed like himself again.

"Let's pretend that's what I was doing, yeah." She shot back, carefully.

"What were you actually gonna do?"

"Talk to my counselor. I needed to do stuff for our college apps."

"Those don't matter. Who needs college?" he joked.

"Definitely not us, the doctor and the author," she laughed, her suspicions melting away.

"Alright, doc, can you talk to your counselor tomorrow? I wanna go home."

Ellie groaned, "Fine, your highness. Whatever you wish."

They bolted out to Ellie's car and raced away. When they got to Isaac's house, he invited her in and she followed him in. He went straight to the kitchen and pulled a box of pizza rolls out of his freezer and smiled at Ellie.

"I'm not eating those." she declared.

"You love pizza, it's your favorite food!"

"No."

Isaac laughed and put a plate of them into the microwave to cook.

"You know it may serve you well to be less picky once in awhile." He suggested

"I like what I like."

"Come on! Just try one! Have you ever tried one before?"

"Yes, you made me once."

"And..?

"I loved it! That's why I'm not eating them now! They're so good!"

"Okay little miss sarcasm. Let's chill on me, I know you love me."

Ellie rolled her eyes and smiled, Isaac laughed. The microwave beeped and Isaac grabbed his pizza rolls and wandered into the living room and turned the TV on, plopping down on the couch and watching a show. Ellie watched him bumble around to get comfortable without spilling his pizza rolls. She thought about this idiot that she called her best friend. She remembered meeting him in Kindergarten, and hating him. Isaac was alway out there, loud and goofy and unapologetically himself.

What she didn't know in Kindergarten was how caring and loving he was towards everyone, and how much people and their opinions of him mattered. He wanted to be liked, but he also was focused on making everyone else happy all of the time and let himself float to the back. It was a good quality, but sometimes it didn't help him at all.

Isaac paused the show, turned around on the couch and smiled at Ellie, "Hey aren't you going to join me?" then, stared at her intently until she went in and joined him in the living room.

"Welcome. This is my house," His voice billowed through the empty halls.

"I've been here before you dork." She said, matching his pitch and volume.

"Wellie, I guess you had to tellie me how Ellie has been to my house before."

"Shut up."

Isaac held his breath and puffed out his cheeks, staring at Ellie. When she didn't react, he plugged his nose. She just raised her eyebrows at him. He pretended to faint and laid on the couch, still plugging his nose, but breathing through his mouth.

"I can see you breathing Isaac."

"No you can't."

"Okay, no I can't. If you fainted you wouldn't be plugging your nose still."

"I didn't faint, I died."

"Okay. I believe you. Yeah. So am I talking to your ghost?" "My zombie, actually." He slowly sat up and screamed "Brains" and reached for Ellie.

"Why did you hold your breath?" She asked.

"You told me to shut up, so I stopped everything from leaving my body, I shut it all up."

"That makes no sense."

"To you maybe."

They laughed and Isaac changed the channel to a channel playing The Lion King. Ellie curled up under a blanket and sang along quietly to "Hakuna Matata" while Isaac went into the kitchen and made a microwave bag of popcorn for Ellie to munch on. When he came back into the living room, Ellie was grinning and watching Nala and Simba be together after she thought Simba was dead. Isaac could see some tears welling up in her eyes while the two talked and Timon and Pumbaa watched in the background. He plunked down next to her and offered her the popcorn. She wiped her tears and took the bag, munching while the movie went on. Isaac chuckled at her but he was happy she was there, he was happy she was close.

Ellie looked up from the popcorn and the movie to find Isaac staring at her intently. She threw a piece of popcorn at him and laughed. He smiled and stole the whole bag back. They sat in silence and watched the movie they'd seen together a hundred times, laughing and crying at all the same parts.

Finally, Isaac broke the silence, "You're cute when you watch movies."

"What?" Ellie said, distracted.

"Nothing." Isaac said, embarrassed.

She turned and looked at him, "No, what did you say? I missed it."

"It's not important, don't worry about it."

"Isaac."

"Ellie."

"I'm your best friend. What did you say?"

"I just said you're cute it all."

Ellie blushed and looked into her popcorn. She couldn't help but smile. You're best friends, Ellie. He's just saying that because you're like a sister to him. Don't get your hopes up. She looked up to find him staring at his thumbs, his face was completely red and he looked embarrassed. Ellie instantly felt bad for making him say it again but her heart was still racing. When they were little, she wasn't his biggest fan. He was a show-off and really loud. He thought it was funny to push her pencils when she had them all lined up perfectly. It drove her mad, but as they grew up and did forensics and had classes together, she grew to love him. They ended up being friends, but she was always left wanting something more.

As distracted as she was by Isaac, she remembered her mom wanted her home right after school today.

"Oh crap." She yelled

Isaac jumped. "What?"

"What time is it?"

"4:30, why?"

"Shoot, I gotta go. I'm sorry. My parents want me home doing homework."

"Because you actually failed a test?"

"Yeah, history isn't my thing."

Isaac let out a sigh of relief. "It's not anyone's thing. Have fun, good luck."

"I'll try." She giggled.

"Are you doing okay?"

"Yeah I'm good. Are you doing okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay, I'll text you later okay?"

"You better."

"Bye, Isaac!"

"See you later, Ellie Bellie."

Ellie ran out of the house and into her car. She couldn't get Isaac off her mind. She raced home and ran into the house. Her mom was waiting for her in the kitchen. She looked at her and seemed to stare into her soul, searching for something that she did wrong. Finding nothing to scold her about, she nodded and sauntered away.

Ellie sat down at her desk in her room and pulled out all of her school supplies, starting her homework. While she was doing her reading and writing her essay for English, she thought of Isaac and how he was the best writer she knew. She thought about asking him for help and bugging him to teach her how to be a good writer, but she'd done that before and he made her do her own work. He wanted her to learn how to write better, he wouldn't write it for her. She'd been incredibly annoyed at the time and wanted him to do her work for her, but he was doing what he needed to do so she would learn. He was being a good friend, and that's all she could ever ask.

They were always a pair, and when people looked at her, they thought of him. She didn't mind it. She lived for it. He was the person that people all seemed to love and want to be around, she had the pleasure of being his best friend and getting to be around him more than anyone else. It was a bit odd, usually, people are a pair because they were dating or because they liked each other. Isaac and Ellie both never had a significant other, they were waiting for each other. So naturally, Ellie enjoyed being considered his pair, she also loved him. Seeing him and talking to him and being there for him when he needed it. Besides, there really wasn't a downside, he was an incredible person. He was the only person she could talk to about the hard things in life, the only person who really made her feel safe and happy.

She looked at the blank essay that she wrote about Hamlet and tried to remember what they were talking about in class, Act I scene V, something about the ghost. She tried to think back but her thoughts once again floated back to Isaac. He wasn't himself in English, or the rest of the school day for that matter. He was acting weird until the end of the day. She didn't know why, but knowing Isaac and his track record, she was worried. She didn't want him to do something that he would regret.

She was lost in this thought when there was a knock at her door.

"Hey, honey, how's the studying going?" her mom asked from the other side of her door

Ellie looked down at her blank paper. "Well," she started.

"Well, what?"

Ellie opened her door and looked her mom in the face, "It isn't going well."

"Why not? You can't afford distractions. You know--"

"Something is up with Isaac." She cut her mom off.

"What is?"

"I- I don't know. I just know something was weird earlier at school."

Her expression softened and she sat down next to Ellie.

"Ell, what's wrong with him? Have you talked to him?"

"No, I don't really know if he wants to talk about it."

"Why wouldn't he want to talk to you, you're his best friend."

"Sometimes he doesn't want to open up."

"You should let him know you're there."

"He knows I am."

"Then tell him again."

"Okay, Mom."

"When you have this figured out, do your homework. It's okay to take a break."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I love you, sweet pea."

"I love you too."

Isaac listened to her drive away and then he threw the pizza rolls away.

"You don't need these calories." He mumbled. "Stupid, stupid. Why did you say that? You made everything awkward. Stupid."

While he wandered around his house looking for something to do, his phone rang.

1 new text message:

Ellie: Isaac? Are you there?

He looked at the message, she always knew. She knew when he needed her. He didn't understand how, but he was glad she did.

Isaac: I'm here, what do you need?

Ellie: I'm doing English and i need your help, youre better at it than me.

Isaac: Okay, what are you doing?

Ellie: An essay about shakespeare

Isaac: Oh, I'm not his biggest fan

Ellie: Haha, okay. I'll figure it out.

Isaac: Are you sure?

Ellie: Yeah

Ellie: Are you doing okay?

Isaac: Where did that come from?

Ellie: I don't know, something just seems... off.

Isaac: oh

Ellie: Isaac, I'm here if you need to talk. If you dont want to i understand.

Isaac: Thank you.

Ellie put down her phone and started to do homework and wait for him to be ready to talk. She started working on her essay when she remembered what he said earlier. She had to know the truth. Her heart raced.

Ellie: Isaac?

Isaac: Yeah?

Ellie: About what you said earlier

Isaac didn't know how to respond. He wanted to let it all out and tell her how he's felt since he met her, about his major crush on her in elementary school and how he would push her pencils so she would look at him and make the angry face that he thought was so cute, or how he just joined forensics because he heard that she was in it. Everything he felt was bursting to come out and he wanted to tell her, but he didn't know how she felt. He knew that they were friends and it felt like it was all they were ever going to be. He couldn't tell her. He couldn't risk losing her as a friend. He needed her here.

Isaac: Don't get me started. It was a mistake. I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Ellie's heart dropped. She stared at the message and tried to write a response, but couldn't find the words to say it.

Ellie: Oh

Isaac: What were you going to say?

Ellie: Nothing I wanted to know if you meant it. You didnt i guess. Which is fine.

Ellie: Anyway.

Isaac: Anyway.

Ellie: This Hamlet essay actually sucks.

Isaac: Shakespeare sucks.

Ellie: Okay true

Isaac groaned. Anytime the conversation went to school things went wrong. He hated talking about school, especially with Ellie. She made him feel stupid. Not on purpose she just was so smart that he felt like he couldn't live up. He wasn't in the mood to do this today and wanted to drop the hint to her. He wanted to tell her how he felt but he didn't want her hurt and he knew that telling her that he was hurt wouldn't be good. He couldn't do it.

Isaac: School sucks

Ellie: I like it enough, its alright.

Isaac: Youre good at it.

Ellie: I mean im okay, not the best.

Isaac: Says the straight A student

Ellie: I failed a history test today

Isaac: Ooh one test big deal

Ellie: You don't get it.

Isaac: Okay sure I don't

Ellie tried to decipher what was going on with Isaac. She didn't understand the sudden shift in his attitude. He was almost mean, she knew he was hurting but she didn't get why he was taking it out on her.

Ellie: What's up with you?

Isaac: I don't know what you're talking about

Ellie: Yes you do what has you acting weird.

Isaac: Maybe it's how you always complain about feeling stupid when you don't know how stupid really feels.

Ellie: Isaac... I'm so sorr. I didn't think it would hurt you.

Isaac: It didn't exactly hurt me, it just. (pause) it bothers me sometimes. Obviously I don't want you to feel like that, I know it sucks, but it just sucks when I can't help you.

Ellie: I don't want you to hurt. I'm so sorry, Isaac.

Isaac: It's okay, really. I know you love me. You would be the only person who would care if I left.

Ellie: What do you mean left?

Isaac: I went away

Ellie: To where?

Isaac: Please don't make me say it. It gets too real.

Ellie: What does?

Isaac ran his hands through his chestnut curls. He didn't know how to tell Ellie. He didn't want her hurt. She couldn't be hurt.

But he didn't want to hurt anymore. He wanted to take all of the pain away. He wanted it to all stop. He wanted to stop being a burden and stop making everyone feel sorry for him. He was so sick of the pity and of the boys at school and their stupid notes. He was so sick of going to school. The only thing he wasn't sick of was Ellie. He loved everything about her, from her big green eyes to her tiny feet. He wanted to hold on just for her, but his grip was slipping and he didn't know how much longer he could. He took a deep breath and typed. Every letter he pushed had a note of finality to it.

Isaac: Ell, I don't want to live anymore.

Ellie choked back a scream. She didn't understand how that happened or why it did. She didn't know who did this to him, but her heart hurt. She decided she would do whatever it took to keep him around.

Ellie: Isaac, please. You can't. You have so much to live for. Please.

Isaac: No Ell i really dont. I have you. Thats about it.

Ellie: That's not true. Isaac please

Isaac: It's true Ell. I love you so much. Whatever happens tonight, don't forget that okay?

Ellie: Youre going to make it through this. I'm here for you. Please.

Isaac: It would be so much easier though. No more scars or cuts or burns, no more boys making fun of me.

Ellie: But who would use that breath to tell their best friend how to do her homework, or use that breath to edit her essays when she needs it? Who would use that breath to talk about why things are the way they are? Who else would use that breath to ask the important questions that you're always asking?

Isaac: There are enough people on this earth. You will find someone to take my place.

Ellie: But they wont be you

Isaac: One person out of 7 billion won't truly make a difference. I'm not as important as you're making me out to be. I promise.

Ellie: But they wont be You Isaac. I need you

Ellie sat by her phone and waited for a reply. When minutes passed she got worried. She watched for a notification and waited. Every worst case scenario passed through her head. She imagined him lying in a hospital room, connected to more machined and computers than they had in the whole school. She got a vision of him lying lifeless in his bed, like a wax statue that's being decommissioned. She saw herself at school without him. Sitting alone like an ugly duckling. She saw Isaac's parents at the funeral crying. She couldn't take it anymore. She texted him again and again, trying to get his attention and see if he's okay. Trying to get him to respond.

Ellie: Isaac?

Read 11:35 PM

Ellie: No no no, please answer me.

Read 11:37 PM

Ellie:Isaac come back, please. Please tell me you're alright. Please.

Read 11:40 PM

Ellie: Answer me, please

Delivered

Ellie: Isaac, if you don't respond, I don't know what I'll do to you, but I won't be happy. Please Isaac

Delivered

Ellie: Isaac please. I don't know what I will do without you. I've never had to do anything without you before. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get through school and go to college and get all of this out of the way without you. Isaac, I can't live without you. You're my best friend. Please. I need you.

Delivered

Ellie's heart broke and she started to accept the unimaginable. She told herself he was okay, she told herself it was okay and everything was going to be fine. She waited for a response.

Isaac sat alone in his room, his wrist stinging and his mind racing. A voice in his head attacked him relentlessly. He couldn't escape.

His phone rang.

You're worthless, a voice in his head whispered.

His phone rang.

One day Ellie will see how awful you really are and you'll be alone again, like you deserve to be.

His phone rang.

He curled up in a ball and stared out the window.

All you ever do is hurt her. You're a monster.

His phone rang.

He went to his closet and grabbed a belt. He looked back at his phone and thought about Ellie.

"She deserves better," he whispered.

He grabbed his phone and sent one last text.

A note fluttered to the ground and Isaac was gone.

Ellie stared at her phone. Waiting for him to respond. When nothing happened and no message came she threw her phone across the room and curled up in her bed under her blankets.

"No, he isn't gone. It's okay. It's okay."

Her phone rang from across the room. She raced and pounced on it looking at her notifications.

1 new text message

Isaac: Ellie, I'm so sorry. I love you. I just really can't do it anymore. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me.

She dropped her phone and stared at the message. A river of tears flowed out of her eyes and blurred her vision. She didn't understand how he did this or why he did it. Ellie, breath. Maybe he isn't gone. His parents will find him. He's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. He isn't gone. Distract yourself.

With a shaky breath she stood up and tried to stop the river of tears, but it wouldn't go away. She turned on her laptop and turned on The Lion King. She needed to take her mind off of Isaac. She watched the movie and tried to slow her breathing and stop crying. She mumbled along to Hakuna Matata half-heartedly.

When the scene came where Nala sees Simbaa for the first time after she thinks he is dead, the phone downstairs rang. Ellie jumped at the sound but didn't think anything of it. Probably just a salesperson. She focused on the movie.

During "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" there was a gentle knock on her door. Her mom gently pushed the door open and sat down next to Ellie. Her dad followed slowly and stood behind her mom, his hands on her shoulders, protectively.

"Ellie," her mom said gently. "Isaac's mom just called."

Ellie felt her eyes fill with tears as her mom told her that Isaac was gone. She listened to her the somber note in her voice mixing with the song in the background and wanted to follow Isaac out the door. But she couldn't. She was left to face the world alone.

Her mom finished talking and pulled her in for a hug. Ellie sobbed into her lap and her parents covered her with a blanket and stayed with her for the night.

When the morning broke, they woke her up and asked if she wanted to stay home from school. She said she would go and got up and got ready to face the day.

When she picked up her phone she choked back tears. It's all my fault. I didn't call anyone. I didn't try to get help. I didn't do enough. I'm the reason he's gone. It's my fault I don't have a friend. She put her phone down and left it there, trudging off to school.

She walked into the building half expecting to see him there, to hear him say it was all a cruel joke. She wanted it to be a prank, she wanted to get mad at him and hate him for it. She just wanted him to be here to be mad at, but he wasn't. So, when everyone was staring at her and she reached for his hand to hold, she only found air rushing through her fingertips, like a note falling to the ground. And she was left alone, to remember.